I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
