does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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