He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
