My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
