sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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