he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
