I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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