he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
