I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
