I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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