she woke up with a sticky ear
My underwear smells like fireworks.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
