I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
