so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
