He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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