I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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