Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
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You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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