Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
