They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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