Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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