return my video game
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
