mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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