All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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