Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize