So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
