Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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