I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
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I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
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Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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