So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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