You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
