i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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