hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
