Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
