Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
