Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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