Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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