I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We talked him into tasing himself.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
