i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
My cat gives me a boner
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
