turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
