Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
