she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
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But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
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Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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