My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
there is glitter all over my balls
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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