I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
high people should be assigned attendants
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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