i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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