hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
