My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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