Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
