Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
