How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
