the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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