so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
