Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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