Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
