last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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