She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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