Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
