I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences In Dating Men And Women
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.