Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
