My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
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I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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