I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
